Two years ago, a doctor prescribed two different antibiotics within the space of a month. The result? A terrifying experience with a nasty little bacteria called "clostridium difficile," or C. diff. (With this ER diagnosis, I found a new doctor, who I currently see.) People can have C. diff and not even know it because "good" bacteria basically subdue C. diff, which is a spore bacteria. Think Ninja. You are completely unaware of their existence in you. They can hang out in your belly during (what they consider) adverse conditions and not harm you. However, antibiotic use, which kills the good bacteria, can allow C. diff to flourish. C. diff, as its name hints, is difficult to treat because of its ability to protect itself. There is also a drug-resistant strain.
The spread of this bacteria is completely preventable if everyone just washes their hands after using the restroom. It's not rocket science, and it disgusts me that some people think washing hands is irrelevant. Those of us who have experienced C. diff know it isn't because even though you don't have any symptoms of dangerous germs--NEWS FLASH--you can still spread them! So unless you're an outer space alien whose physiology doesn't require you to poop or pee, WASH. YOUR. HANDS. PROPERLY.
My experience with C. diff was and is like no other experience. It was the worst, the most horrific, the most dark, the most unbelievably painful time in my life. Not only did I have to deal with the symptoms of the bacteria, but I also had to deal with the side of effects of the antibiotic. This antibiotic caused such extreme nausea that I was on an anti-nausea prescription med, which, by the way, did very little to control the nausea let alone the vomiting. Round one of the antibiotic didn't do much of anything except make me sick, and because lab tests still found the bacteria, I had to undergo another round...joy! I lost 15 pounds in less than a month. Through all of this, my doctor insisted I wash sheets and towels in Clorox and spray the shower down with Clorox every night to protect my husband. I'm not even sure how I even managed to teach during all of this. The year was such a struggle, but I did it! (Side note: Hand washing was (and is) never an issue for me; this germaphobe has always (and will always!) employ the proper hand washing technique no matter where she is.) In the end, terrifying doesn't even begin to describe all I went through. Eventually, I managed to get a clean lab result, but little did I know the fun was just beginning.
All those lovely antibiotics that were pumped into my system completely destroyed my gut. Think nuclear explosion. The flora in my gut was completely decimated, so that even though I was technically "healed" from C. diff, it was like my intestines didn't get the message. I lived off of baked potatoes, chicken, and hard boiled eggs because everything else I ate made me ill. There were even times these foods were not tolerated. My doctor prescribed a med that would supposedly help my body digest food properly. It did very little. I couldn't gain weight, many foods I couldn't eat, and it severely impaired my short-term memory. My doctor's response? She asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder. I can't begin to tell you how furious that made me. I can see now that was the time right there to find another doctor. (For the record, I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder. I do not have an eating disorder. I don't plan on EVER having an eating disorder.) Here is someone who witnessed all I'd been through. I was a constant visitor in her office for months as she treated me for C. diff and then the illness that persisted afterwards, and this is all she could think of? Just because her magic, blue Bentyl med wasn't working like she expected? In the end, I had an endoscopy, which showed nothing but acute gastritis. So 14 days of Prilosec, the continuation of the Bentyl, and things still didn't improve.
I decided then that this medical doctor was not going to figure our what was wrong with me, so I went to a homeopathic doctor in Ridgway, Colorado. Dr. Seaver is truly a life-saver. Her "prescriptions" consisted of probiotics and other natural remedies/foods to help rebuild my gut flora and my immune system. Also, I learned that experiences like mine can actually create food intolerances, so that even though you think you're eating "safe" foods, you're not. She did a simple blood test (ALCAT) of about 200 foods. Results showed nearly 60 reactive foods I had to avoid: wheat, gluten, rice, eggs, dairy, soy, olives, canola, onion, avacado, cherries, oregano, basil, ginger, coconut, peanuts, turkey, beef, buffalo, codfish, tilapia, to name just a few. It was somewhat overwhelming, and I constantly reminded myself to focus on what I could eat. (Still do!) Reading labels became a part of my daily life. Eating out and eating at friends' houses? Awkward. But none of that really mattered because I eventually began to feel healthy again. I gained weight, I felt happy, and as a bonus, I learned I could get away with cheating as long as I didn't do it often and only with certain foods. Nearly three years later, it seemed like my C. diff experience was finally behind me as long as I didn't stray too far from my diet.
And then...I woke up.
I still see my M.D. Since C. diff, she has drilled into me that antibiotics are always going to be a last resort. Because I've had C. diff, it's basically mine forever. It can reappear any time the good bacteria in the intestines are threatened.
The Not So Short:
Enter the present. This week my doctor was convinced I had an infection. She was so convinced she prescribed an antibiotic before she had lab results. These results were going to take 24-48 hours, and she wanted me to get started on the antibiotic because my symptoms could be much worse as time progressed. I couldn't understand why a simple test would take so long when other doctor's can do it while you wait. But, hey, she's the doc. She knows what she's doing, right? I nearly refused to take it. I knew the risks. She knew the risks. She suggested we keep our fingers crossed. Really?! At any rate, two pills in and the rash on my torso made it abundantly clear that I was allergic to this drug. She called in a second, but I made the decision to not take it. I can't go back to C. diff, and I'm certainly not going back there without the lab tests to prove the need for an antibiotic. I called the office 48 hours later, and the receptionist told me it didn't appear as if the results were in, but she would leave a note for the nurse to track them down and call me. Trinity, our Sheltie, who basically eats and sleeps all day, is probably a better tracker than this nurse because I never received the call. Seventy-two hours in, on a Friday, I call the office again. After I tell them why I'm calling, I'm put on hold. Then I'm told that there was a "lab error and things had to be resubmitted. The results probably won't be in until Monday." From 24-48 hours to 120+ hours. What do you say that? This just sounds so ridiculously suspicious. Like maybe the lab test came back negative. Like maybe a doctor prescribed an antibiotic and shouldn't have.
Within these last few days my emotions have run the gamut: fear of battling C. diff again; anger at my doctor for putting me in this situation...especially after assuring me that she never would; doubt because maybe she was right in what she did and I was doing my body more harm than good by refusing the antibiotic; grief because I can't return to life before C. diff; frustration because I didn't know what to do; finally, I just feel exhaustion. As I come to the end of this entry, I realize I also feel peace. I may be afraid of traveling down an extremely difficult road again, but I can take comfort in this knowledge:
- I'm not going to call for test results again. I'm going to put this in God's hands and assume my body is going to heal from whatever it's struggling with right now. It is certainly no worse than when I went to the doctor in the first place this week, and I have the antibiotics sitting in the cabinet if it does get worse.
- I am going to continue to trust in the Great Physician, but not my M.D. I realize if I ever have to travel down the C. diff road again, I want it to be with a different doctor. I can't go back to one I no longer trust.
- God will not abandon me. Even when I struggle giving all my fear, anger, doubt, grief, and frustration to Him, He meets me right where I'm at to comfort me. He more than proved this when it seemed my body would not heal these last couple years. During that time it was like being trapped. Alone. In a dark tunnel. With no way out. Is it any wonder that I fear going back there? Yet God surrounded me with His loving care and blessed me with supportive family and friends. They were my tether to sanity and a healthier future. He continues to bless even now. He is my Creator, my Shepherd, my Provider, my Healer.
- "I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the Land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." --Psalm 27:13, 14
