When All Else Fails...

We all know that men never ASK for directions and never READ the directions. It's somehow written into their genetic code at birth, right? As a teacher, I can't tell you how many times a day I ask my students some version of this question: "What's the first thing you do on a test before you start answering questions?"

"Write our names at the top of the papers!!" they shout.

After four years of teaching, I'm not sure why this response always surprises me. I mean, yeah, I want kids to write their names on their papers, but it's not the answer I'm looking for, and they get me every time. I feel like Buddy the Elf checking the jack-in-the-boxes...they get him every time too.

"What's the NEXT thing you do?"

Silence. Then a hand is raised and some student asks tentatively, "Read the directions?"

"YES!" I say while performing a happy dance. (No, I don't actually do a happy dance.)

At the middle school level, boys and girls alike never read the directions. Even if you go over them as a class, they never read them. Their brains shutdown when they hear the word "directions" because their neurons can't interpret why we even need directions. In the minds of students, directions are superfluous; Reading directions is just extra work the teachers give students to make their lives miserable. But somewhere along the way, girls develop those specialized direction-reading skills, whereas boys fail to develop even a reasonable facsimile thereof.

To illustrate...

Christmas this year was somewhat different for my family. It was decided that we would not be exchanging gifts. Some of that has to do with money conservation, but the main reason is because Christmas has become so commercialized. We wanted to focus on family and the real reason for the holiday. To paraphrase a friend, isn't it strange that we give gifts to each other on Jesus' birthday? For my own part, I believe that Jesus is the one who should be receiving the gifts. And what better gifts than the gift of ourselves? Anyway, my sister, who is the gift-giver in the family, decided to buy everyone gifts (much to my annoyance). However, she did a great job budgeting, including the ship-in-a-bottle kit she purchased for our nephew. He expressed that he had no idea how to put the thing together, and it was suggested that he'd have to read the directions. His response? "I'm not reading directions. I never read directions!" 

My brother-in-law chimed in, "I never read directions either, but for something like this I would."

Sure you would, buddy, I thought sarcastically, and then I cringed as a lightbulb burst forth in all its splendiferous glory as I reflected back to a few days earlier. For Christmas this year, my father wanted his digital photos put on a DVD. He's been fussing about the fact that as he gets older he may not be able to get out and about to see the scenery. (My dad is the glass-is-half-empty type.) "No problem!" I exclaimed. "I have a Mac. I have iDVD. The DVD will practically create itself!" 

I spent hours sifting through photos that would make a grand presentation. When I was done, I opened my iDVD app, and realized I had several options from which to choose: "Great. I'm not much of decision maker, but let's see... 'Create a New Project'? Maybe. 'Open an Existing Project'? Nope, not there yet. 'Magic iDVD!' Oooo, magic!!?? Sounds easy!! 'OneStep DVD'? Better yet! ...No, wait. Turns out 'OneStep' means I actually connect my camera to the computer. Not helpful since my photos are on my computer, not my camera."

Creating my own project sounded like fun, so that ended up being my next choice. I fidgeted and fiddled with it and got so frustrated, I finally gave up.

"Why can't they make this user friendly? I shouldn't have to read the directions; this IS a Mac, for crying out loud! So, 'Magic iDVD' it is. Let's see. I probably should pick a theme then I can drag and drop my photos and then add some music. Piece of cake!"

I did all that and figured out how to preview my project. It looked great with only one problem. My menu buttons were all squished together to the point that I couldn't even read them. Well, since, for some inexplicable reason, a person can't preview a presentation in full-screen mode, I thought that everything would be fine when it showed up on the much bigger TV screen, and I decided to burn the DVD. As it did its little deal, I noticed the timer: "TWO and HALF HOURS to burn? You have got to be kidding me!" I yelled. I could almost see the smoke rolling out of my little MacBook disc drive as it labored, but finally, the DVD was born! I popped it into the DVD player, and...BUMMER! I was devastated when the DVD menu looked exactly like it had in the preview: nearly impossible to read. There are no words to explain the depths of my disappointment. "'Magic,' my big toe," I muttered irritably.

A menu that looks strangely like my students' writing: illegible

The next day, I opened up the tutorials, worked my way through them, and created my own project. And what do you know? It turned out magnificent! So magnificent that I created three more projects and was able to proudly give them to my father.

Now that's more like it!

So, the point of all this? Either the world has been wrong all along and the belief that we don't need directions is a human curse rather than a manly one. OR, there's something drastically wrong with my feminine genetic code. Personally I'm voting for the former, but considering my family tree...it's probably the latter.

A final note: there is undoubtedly a way to upload a cut from the photo presentations I created, but in order for me to accomplish this task, I'd have to read the directions, so...pass.

Confession of an English Teacher

I have this love-hate relationship with writing. Sometimes I have words inside my head that scream to be released through my fingertips, but I usually manage to subdue them by finding something else to do. (And, no, I don't need medication.) Grade papers. Clean. Bake. Read. Sometimes modeling "good" writing for the students I teach is enough. Sometimes I'll settle for a good diary entry, although that rarely happens. I find it odd that as an English teacher I don't really enjoy the process of writing, and I'm relieved because well-known, published authors often relate the same feelings. Lately, however, the words won't be silenced, and I think I've discovered why: the sixth graders I teach.

For six years I worked as a senior editor/office manager at a small publishing company. It was my honor to read craftily created stories for this publishing company, and I enjoyed it because, for the most part, the submissions were well written, engaging. Five years ago, I made a career change and went back to college to get my teaching license, and I'm now in my fourth year of teaching English to sixth graders. Most of the time it is a fairly rewarding job, but as I read through 100 papers of middle school students each week, I find that my mind is shriveling from starvation. I'm worried that after reading so many of their papers that I will actually begin to write as they do. "Hi, my name is...and I'm going to tell you about..." Or, "I hope you liked reading my paper." (Yes, even at first semester's end there are some brave students who still attempt to begin and end stories with these phrases. Where do they learn to do this anyway??)

So, I welcome you to the debut of Cackleberry Capers, a way to help counteract the frustration I feel at times when reading final drafts that look exactly like rough drafts, only slightly more legible. My only fear is that readers who aren't familiar with me won't catch the sarcastic tone in some of these posts, but if I can find enjoyment in blogging and can make a reader or two chuckle, then my mission has been accomplished.

I hope you liked reading my blog....